My Dream
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Just a little something from Brendan's pov. Stendan.


**My Dream :) **

**Don't really know what this is, but I hope you like it xx**

It feels like forever since I've held him in my arms, but I remember it like it was only yesterday. There really was nothing better than feeling his head on my chest and feeling his warmth, breathing in his smell…that divine smell that I miss more than anything. I try my hardest to forget him, but strangely enough that only makes me remember him more. I thought that being in here, locked away from him would make me move on, but nothing could make me do that…nothing could ever remove him from my heart and I know now more than ever that I am nothing without him.

My body grows weaker and the strength I once possessed has gone. There is only one thing that can restore it, but I have come to except that he will never be a part of my world now. I know I only have myself to blame, I guess we found each other too late. I thought that he could save me; I thought his love would've been enough for me and we nearly made it…nearly. I made the wrong decision leaving him and I know that now, I never should've left him. We could've had it all, I know he would've loved me forever, but I gave up…I just gave up on him.

There is no escaping him, even when I sleep…for he is burned into my dreams and my mind is filled with only thoughts of him. It's like I don't know anything else, it's like he has taken control of everything. I have become part of him, part of his heartbeat and nothing will ever change that, not distance or time. My heart belongs to him always and without his love, without him in my life I will always feel incomplete. I wonder if it's possible to die of a broken heart, because I do believe that one day this pain will kill me.

I imagine that he is here sometimes lying next to me, I imagine hearing the beating of his heart and feeling the warm air from his breath. I drive myself crazy, almost believing that it's true and then I realise that it is all in my head and it breaks me all over again. It's so hard not hearing him speak; his voice was like music to my ears…my favourite song, even that donkey laugh of his. I just feel empty and worthless and now my light has gone this darkness is stripping me bare, tearing apart my soul…slowing driving me insane.

I close my eyes at night and picture his warm smiling face. He is staring at me intently and I know what that look means...I've seen it a thousand times. I gently stretch out my hands to gather his in mine and softly press my warm mouth towards him. I can almost taste him and for a second I actually believe that he is here. The mind is so powerful and mine is always playing tricks on me. I wonder what he is doing and if he loves someone else now…does his sweet mouth kiss another the way it used to kiss me?

Sometimes I find myself screaming, screaming louder than I ever have before and for a moment it makes me feel better. I feel like I have an incurable disease and I guess in a way I have, because nothing on earth could make me stop loving him. I will love him in every single lifetime with every fibre of my being. It breaks me to know that my eyes will never fall on his again, but I carry the hope that they will. How can I completely let go of my hopes and dreams when they are what are keeping me going.

I get so close to contacting him sometimes, but then I remember all the pain I caused him and I change my mind. He is better off without me and he always has been. My feelings aren't important and it would be selfish of me to get in touch with him after nearly a year apart. When I left him he never fought to see me and he didn't bombard me with letters. He let me go as quickly as I walked away from him. I guess in the end loving me was just too hard.

I will never forget a single moment of my time with him and the last few months we spent together as a proper couple were the best times of my life. I just wish we could've had more time together. I never wanted it to end this way…I never wanted it to end at all and If I could rewind time and do it all again I would, even if It meant that I had to go through all the pain again. What I'd give for one more memory.

Maybe one day he will know that I wanted more for him, that I wanted him to have a full life and that he deserved more than to be loved from behind bars. It would've been so easy for me to keep him for myself and let him visit me every few weeks. It destroyed me pushing him away, but I know I did the right thing, even if that day does still haunt me. I will never forget the way he looked at me and the tears he cried. I remember the minute he was pulled away from me I broke down completely.

Our love is lost, but it is still love. I crave his mouth, his touch and his voice, just as much now as the day it left me. My soul will always be connected with his, no matter what and if his is connected to mine equally then maybe we will find each other again one day. Nothing will ever change for me and I will love him until the last breath leaves my body because he is and will always be my dream.

**Please review lovely people xx xx xx**


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